This has been on my heart and mind for quite some time now but I haven’t had the motivation to write about it until some very recent events and being that I turn 21 today it feels very fitting.
If you have known me for a while now you may know that I am a very artistic person and that I heal through creating art. While I do that I putting myself up for potential ridicule and judgement, so all I ask is that you be gentle with me as I share this with you. As Annette Messager once said, “Being an artist means forever healing your own wounds and at the same time endlessly exposing them.”
I have never actually been in a relationship with someone and I am actually not ashamed of that fact. Yes, I can count the guys I have gone out on dates with on one hand, however, beyond our few dates it hasn’t gone any further because I made the decision to end it. Throughout my 21 years of singleness I have learned a lot about myself through my mistakes as well as watching my friends and family go through their own adventure in dating.
This post is mostly about the last two guys I was seeing, or had a “thing” with is as the kids call it these days. I’ll be honest, I was lustful for them and that caused me to almost give up some of my morals. I put them before God and in turn I went on a path that was a little bit harder to get out of. I don’t blame them at all as it’s not their fault they don’t have the same beliefs that I do however, it’s because I chose to not surround myself with godly people and keep myself in the word it caused me to become more open to the world and more susceptible to falling in the world.
I write this in hopes that if you are struggling with these things now or have in the past that this will give you some hope that you are not alone.
My name is Brittany Nicole Spady. I am a 21 year old gal with the desire to please everyone and receive everyone’s approval. I have learned a lot about myself and others through trial and error. The following three points are just a few of the things that I have learned in my 21 years of life and I feel like they can apply to both romantic relationships as well as everyday relationships.
- Do not let your Identity become him. Especially if you guys aren’t even dating. It is so easy to obsess over someone especially when you are still wearing the rose-tinted glasses and that said person just seems perfect. It is easy to change yourself in order to please this said person. But slow down, step aside for a moment and take a deep breath and say to yourself: “I am strong and Beautiful…I have gone through many ups and downs and it hasn’t always been easy but it has made me who I am today. I do not need a guy to know that I am beautiful. I do not need a guy to give me affirmation and confirmation. I do not need to change myself to please this guy.” If he makes you doubt this statement you need to end this relationship right away. Sure he may be really good looking but in the end looks are only surface. Let people know you for who you are not you impressing a guy. In the end, my identity is in Christ. In the end, Jesus Christ will always be there, where as everyone else could potentially fade away.
- If you feel the need to compromise your morals and standards in order to be with him….he is not the one. This relates to my first point very much but more on a deeper level for me. On my first date with this one guy, we went to several pubs downtown on a Friday night. It was great as we talked and walked on the boardwalk. It was actually quite sweet. By the time we got back to his place we had both quite a bit. That being said, I wasn’t fully in control of my senses and before I even knew really what happened things moved very quickly. I placed myself in this situation and I got myself out of it, however it was a place I didn’t want to be in. It actually made me feel so ashamed that I would almost have given up my morals, especially on the first date. Do not fall for peer pressure. Do not let anyone, regardless of who it is, encourage you to do something that makes you uncomfortable or goes against something you believe in. That person does not have your best interest in mind and only has theirs in mind.
- If you feel any shame, guilt or anxiety….he is not the one. No one should make you feel anything like that. Being that I am a people pleaser this one is always a little harder for me. If someone I care about is disappointed in me, I will pick up on it. If someone is acting different around me, I will pick up on it. However, in the end, there should be no need to feel shame, guilt or anxiety, those are toxic. If you are in a godly relationship and acting in a manner that represents Christ than there shouldn’t be any guilt, shame or anxiety.
I write this, not to say don’t date or guys are bad and go feminism, no I write this because it’s what I have gone through and experienced and I know there are other people out there that are experiencing this and potentially going through guilt. I have learned that just because someone likes you doesn’t mean you have to like them in return. I have learned very recently that I am not a guy’s emotional toy where he can just play around with my emotions. No, my name is Brittany Nicole Spady and I am daughter of the King and like a butterfly I should not be captured or a bird who should not be caged. God has captured my heart and in his right timing he will give me to someone who he deems right. Until then, I will grow in him as I have so much to learn and with his strength I will not let the world alter my identity in Him. I still have very strong temptations to go back to them and continue where we left off at or to go onto Tinder and swipe right and start meeting with these guys however I know I do not need that distraction nor am I even ready to be in a relationship.
So, I encourage you to find a core group of godly christians where you can gain guidance from. Seek God in your quiet times and seek Him wherever you are. This is a time God has set aside for you and Him, don’t let this time pass you by. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always reach out to me as well (firstname.lastname@example.org) and I would love to talk with you without any judgement as I have no place to judge since I have made so many mistakes in my life.
With much love I write this,
(P.S Check out this amazing song that I feel like anyone can relate to and our conversations with Christ)